You, sir, are a moron.

Anyone who approaches me and gushes about how much they want to have twins, can be assured that this is what I am thinking in my head: “You, sir, are a moron”. It would be the same if you ran up to an exhausted and ragged person and declared: “You work TWO jobs?!? How fun! How exciting! You must be thrilled! You must be rich!”

You would be lucky not to be punched in the nose. Before I continue, allow me interject that I love my kids, I adore my kids. I would rip off both arms and feed them to hungry alligators if it were needed to protect my kids. That being said, I have given it much thought as to why people wet their pants when they see I have twins, and declare how they simply must have a set of their own. Here are my theories on why they say this:

More attention. Yes, we got far more attention pushing my twins around than we did with Zack. The first thing people ask is: “Are they twins?” and I would always say: “Yes, a boy and a girl”. Let’s pause here a moment. Notice that I indicated gender? I would say that 60% of the people followed my statement with the following question: “Are they identical?” Now, I have the hardest time keeping a straight face around this question. But I can usually suppress my laughter long enough to look people straight in the eye and say sadly: “No. Unfortunately one of them was born with a penis”.

These are the kind of questions you get when you have twins. If it is more attention from completely idiotic strangers what you crave, I suggest there are many more cost effective, less draining ways to get it.

Second theory: Your kids will always have someone their age to play with. My solution to that: join a play group. Honestly, twins are not any different than other children, they fight, they hug, they fight, they talk, they fight and tickle, and oh, yeah - they fight. What you have here are two equally matched rivals both struggling for the same resources. Sure, they love each other, but they are developmentally different, too. Sadie started talking before Alex, and Alex learned to pull hair before Sadie did. They both play with their older brother in equal amounts.There isn't some kind of mystical bond. The only "twin language" I observed is usually when they whispering and I assume they are conspiring against me. That's not the kind of thing I like to encourage.

Third theory: Dressing them the same. Yes, I can’t deny that it’s fun to bust out the fluffy dresses and put them on my twins, but every time I do Brent huffs in and rescues Alex.

Fourth theory: They have no children, and have no clue as to what that kind of sleep deprivation can do to a person. If you have kids, remember when they were 6 weeks old? How they woke up between 2-3 times a night, and it took about 15 - 20 min to finish a bottle, burp, change them and put them back to bed? Imagine doubling that. Fun, huh? Yeah, twins are a real blast. Fast forward to when they are learning to really run. You take them to the park. One decides to run to the street, the other to the parking lot. Yea! Twins are so wonderful!

Now my twins are two. Each day is spent in the earnest endeavor to keep them alive, off the bannister, to keep foreign objects out of their mouths, and to keep Sadie from squeezing the cat to death. The moment I wake up, it is non-stop. They climb on the counters and have figured out how to defeat the baby proof latches on the cabinets. My twins do work together, one will distract me with ferevent cries for a cup of milk, while the other is on the dining room table swinging on the chandelier. When I get back, he has dumped his milk into the fishtank because the fish were thirsty.

Half way through this written tirade on twins, I was informed by Zack that the twins had found a bottle of craft paint and poured it on themselves and the new carpet. Are you having fun, yet?